It seems axiomatic, in my experience, that strong relationships are forged in stressful times. This is not a revelation. A goodly chunk of World Literature deals with this. It is still enlightening on a personal level. Male friends and I have always had a stressful ”Fuck you!” moment. Afterwards, buds. My thinking is that to build trust, you need to know the other person’s limits, and if those limits align with your values. If true on both sides, it’s the basis for a strong relationship.
My experience with female friends/lovers has been different, because now Biology becomes the dominant force. A female friend worthy of the name is also going to bring a strong sexual tension to the relationship. ‘Work wives/husbands’ is a common reaction to this. Work is a stress environment. People working together to overcome a challenge, are going to become more invested in each other. The emotional investment in the work partner, can exceed that of the domestic. And that’s where the trouble begins.
After having learned the usual (hard) way, I do not date people with whom I work. That’s a big ol’ Period with a Stop sign. This iron-clad policy has frustrated people, and denied me opportunities. More than a few times, people would remark “Blair, we cannot believe you won’t date so-and-so.” The lesson was hard-learned. I have not quit a job to date someone, but I have dated someone immediately on changing jobs. The relationship didn’t go anywhere, not even spending the night, because I was focused on moving in three months. If I’d been more mature, she should have been my wife. Lesson learned there: open your effing eyes.
I recently went through a very stressful work experience with a female partner. It involved funds comfortably into six-figures, and not someone else’s money. The work is remote, so I have never actually met this person. And, while I am currently partner-less, she has acted as a partner. We talked about and analyzed the situation, I offered my insight, then did what she said. This has so far worked.
I do not know her personal situation, and she lives a continent away, but I have shared a more stressful situation with her than most of my girlfriends. When I think of this, I think ‘we’, not ‘me’. She was about 70% of the impetus. One could say “Well, that’s her job”, and, it is. She leads my workgroup, and pushing people ahead is what a coach does. But, when I wake up, I think ” I need to make her happy with me, today.” As my boss, she would probably appreciate that.
I have never seen this person, so the attraction is purely based on ability. I like that. The dating apps are full of women seeking “friends first, then . . . “, and I am down with that. My hormones are well into semi-retirement, and not the driving force of younger years. There is a bit of concern on my part the the “,then . . . ” may take longer than most women would prefer, because I’m thinking 3 – 6 months before things heat up. It’s about building an emotional bond and desire over time, something stress can significantly shorten.
Say It!